Red Iguana Noon: Wrath of Knowledgius
Chapter 4: Misnomers and Imperfections.
From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 4.
Date: 4 Apr 1994 20:30:37 GMT
Message-ID: <2nptde$bbp@agate.berkeley.edu>
[Last episode we saw that Yellow-Bellied Misguider of Society,
Knowledgius Objectivus, trying to provoke our Most Beloved
Wearer of the Red Iguana Suit, Capitalizer Supreme, Defender
of Madison and Son of the Gods, Publius, into anger. Having
succeeded in his/her/its objectives, he/she/it switched off
the PubeCommunicator.]
[Also, Ferret Boy is speeding back to the Pube Fort aboard the
Pubesmobile, thinking he has escaped from the Evil Clutches
of Knowledgius. Unknown to him, but not to the readers of
this series, Knowledgius has implanted secret instructions
in the deepest parts of Ferret Boy's mind. Knowledgius has vowed
to use Ferret Boy to destroy Publius, the same way The Red Iguana
tricked atheists into destroying their own God.]
[We now go back to the Atheist Base of Operations and
Home of the Skeptic Hotline in the Isle of Logis. Here Arch-atheist,
Namer of that Which Should not be Named, Stacy Prowell, is
conducting the interrogation of Nameless Red Shirt #2, whom
you might thought I had forgotten about. With him are
Dan Johnson and Arturo Magidin. Manning the phone is
Clark Adams, who has what appears to be a list of car-pools
on his lap, and is busy talking with someone on the phone.]
Stacy: So, why were you repeating the Ontological Argument,
here in the Isle of Logis of all places?
N.R.#2: I have to tell you nothing but my serial number, name
and rank, and I've already provided you with them! So go
away, and don't try to corrupt me!
Stacy: I was afraid of this. You leave me no recourse but to
call in our Chief Interrogator. Stryder!
[Stryder comes in, smiling wickedly and holding a chainsaw in
his hands...]
Stryder: HEY! I'm getting tired of that chainsaw schtick. Don't
you have anything better to do than steal plot devices from
Dan?
[Ehr... Stryder comes in, smiling wickedly and holding a...
Free Thought Enforcer?]
Stryder: That was Stacy's!
["Stryder comes in, similing wickedly, a rubber hose in his
hand"?]
Stryder: OK, I can live with that.
[<Phew!> Stryder comes in, smiling wickedly, a rubber hose in his
hand. In order to keep violence to a minimum, we will only provide
the reading public with the sound effects of this interrogation]
<Bam!> <Ouch! <Stop that!> <Plonk!> <Slap!> <No!> <Plunk!>
<etc.> <etc.> <etc.>
N.R.#2: But, you haven't even asked any questions! I'll talk,
I'll talk! Ask! Please, ask! The Red Iguana isn't worth this
punishment!
Stacy: I knew you would talk. Stryder, that'll be all for today.
Stryder: [looking sheepish and disilussioned] Can I hit him once
before you start asking? Please?
Stacy: Hmmmmmmm... No, sorry. Appearances, you know.
[Stryder takes the rubber hose with him and leaves the interrogation
room, casting forlorn glances back at the prisoner.]
Stacy: So, this "Red Iguana" you are working for, who is he?
N.R.#2: Sure, feign ignorance, you vile Atheist!
Stacy: Arch-atheist, if you please. In any case, if there is one
thing I never feign is ignorance. Who is this Red Iguana you
speak of?
N.R.#2: His name is Publius, Defender of the Faith, Believer in
Washington, He Who Will Only Debate If His Definitions Are Accepted,
Star Trek Watcher, Egyptian Lover, The One and Only, Red Iguana.
Stacy: I see... Long titles usually cover for deficiencies in
other areas, but lets skip that. How can I get in touch with this
"Publius", if that is his real name?
N.R.#2: I'll never talk! Never!
[Dan, who is standing behind Stacy, takes the weapon they
confiscated from the N.R.#2 and reads a label on it]
Dan: [reading] "If lost, please return to Publius The Red Iguana,
at the Pube Fort. Or call (999) 666-0666, and
You Shall Be Rewarded" Looks like we don't need the Red Shirt anymore.
Let's call this looser and see what he has to say for himself.
Stacy: Right! Clark, are you done with the phone?
Clark Davis Adams: Are you kidding me? I'm still trying to organize
that Alt.Atheism Meet'n'Greet Party. I need this phone!
Stacy: Hm, I guess it's OK then. We'll have to use the
SkepticVideoPhone then.
[Stacy dials the cabalistic number of the Pube Fort. He is confronted
with an image of a Red Iguana Suited Individual, sitting behind a
desk]
Stacy: Hi, this is Stacy, Arch-Atheist. We seem to have found a
'Portable Anti-Nomologizer' of yours, and were wondering where could
we drop it off?
In article <2mpm2n$v16@inca.gate.net>, Publius <publius@inca.gate.net> wrote:
>
>Because of my experiences here and elsewhere, I have decided
>that the word 'Atheism' is a misnomer and ought to be changed
Stacy: Really? Listen, you look awfully familiar. Have we met before?
For some reason you make me think of ferrets... In any case,
where is 'here'? And of course 'Atheism' is a misnomer. I told you,
it's 'Arch-Atheist'!
>and will be changed - as far as I am concerned.
Dan: Wait! I recognize that voice, that utter lack of content!
I got a call from him through the Skeptic Hotline about three
months ago! And wasn't he there in that Ocean Floor Drive residence
we went to to deal with that 'Psychic Link' idiot?
Stacy: Yes... I think that's right!
> And it is my
>hope that habit will make it universal:
Dan: Look buddy, the only habit you seem to be involved in
is psychodelic drugs. I would stop if I were you. Now, can
you tell us where can we ... ehr... drop off you weapon?
[Our hero takes a stack of papers from his desk. They
seem to be rumpled and highlighted in several places.
On one of them, the final rebuttal "SAYS YOU!" can be barely
made out in bright red ink]
>Most of those posting here, who call themselves 'Atheists',
Stacy: "Arch-Atheist", if you please.
> are
>really 'Anti-theists'.
[Clark Adams looks up from his Hypatia Lake Database to stare
with utter contempt at the figure of our Hero]
Clark: "'Anti-theists'? What on Earth could that possibly mean?
I know some good theists. In fact, some of my best friends were
once theists. I would retract that statement if I were you.
And... your office doesn't look very well organized. I think
you need to put in a bulletin board for all those posts
you are waving around...
[He is interrupted by the Post-Waving Iguana. He takes one
post from a drawer in his desk; this one has been lovingly
preserved, and is even laminated. He turns it to face
the camera, and points proudly at it]
>This was confirmed when I made my first formal posting in
>'soc.religion.christian',
Dan: Then what you met where probably Christians, you moron!
And they certainly aren't anti-theists. It would be a pretty
silly thing to be, wouldn't it?
> entitle : "SCHOOL PRAYER".
Arturo: Well, I always thought that the "No prayer in school"
rule was a welcome relief, especially during exam time.
I was getting tired of listening to all those "Please, let him
ask something I did study" and such.
>There I found a horde of 'Anti-theists'
Stacy: [leafing through a dictionary] Antipodes... Antique...
Antitrust... Sorry, no Anti-theist here.
> already beating up on
>the Faithful Christians - (It is a moderated group.
Dan: <snort!> "Moderated", that's a laugh! I suppose that
'Operation Rescue' is also a moderated group.
> But why
>the Moderator puts up with their filth and scandalous conduct
>I don't understand.
Stacy: It's something about how 'once saved, always saved' or
something like that. And besides, it's not that easy to defrock
a priest, you know...
> It must be a misguided attitude of Christian
>Tolerance, I suppose.)
Dan: Look Stacy, we aren't getting anything more from this guy.
I say we look for 'Masked Idiots' on the Yellow Pages and try to
figure out where this looser is. He certainly needs a few
copies of the FAQ dropped on him, preferably wrapped in a few
bricks.
Stacy: I guess you are right.
[Stacy disconnects the VideoPhone]
[Back at the Pube Fort, Publius waves a fist at the blank
screen in defiance]
>And this is the same bunch that is telling me to get lost because
>'alt.atheism' is a private area reserved for the 'Atheist Mutual
>Admiration Society'!
[At this precise instant, the Now-Not-So-Loyal-But-Unaware-Of-This-Fact
Ferret Boy comes in, having returned from his foray in the
Isle of Logis]
Ferret Boy: Publius! I'm back! About that little typo in the
message I sent, it wasn't my fault! You see, the backspace
in the PubeTyper didn't work properly, so I couldn't delete,
and then you started using the word, and...
>What I haven't decided yet is how to contract 'Anti-theism '
>into a more lyrical form: It will be either 'Antheism' or
>'An'theism'.
Ferret Boy: [to himself] He is still using it! What will I
do? Everyone will think he is crazy! But... wait... It sounds
like he thinks it was his idea, or his DNA's or something...
Maybe if I pretend ignorance it won't be blamed on me or
something. Yes, that's the ticket! It was his idea!
Ferret Boy: [loudly to Publius] O Great Iguana Of Redness!
It's a great idea? What do the words mean?
> Both pronounced the same
Ferret Boy: I really must cut earholes in that Iguana suit.
[Moving closer to Publius' head and speaking loudly and
slowly] WHAT... DO... THE... WORDS... MEAN?
[Publius seems to be talking at the Pube Screen, which is
off at the moment]
> - but with which are you
>'Anti-theists ' more comfortable?
Ferret Boy: Darn! I'll be right back, Red Iguana Of All That Is
Life Oriented! I'll bring something to cut those holes in your
costume!
> Let's have a show of
>follow-ups.
Ferret Boy: Hm? Oh, yea! I guess I better do it in your spare
costumes as well. Why didn't we think of this before?
[Publius shrugs]
> I aim to please.
Ferret Boy: Yeah, you just don't seem to be hearing very well,
that's all! Be right back!
[Ferret Boy goes out of Publius' office. In a corner, a
pale blue flash of light appears, followed by a shape of
No Particular Gender, Race, or Sexual Orientation(tm)]
Knowledgius: I should have guessed you would have your
phone number on the anti-nomologizers!
> PUBLIUS
>
Knowledgius: [confused] No, Knowledgius Objectivus. ->You<-
are Publius, remember? Did you fall on your head during that
'Flying Dutchman' episode or something? I'm here to exact
revenge! Har, Har!
>P.S. - For the real Atheists there should be no problem. We
> all know the difference.
Knowledgius: And for everybody else as well! You wouldn't think
you and I could be mistaken for one another, do you? After all,
you dress like a (heh) Red Iguana, while I'm clothed in
Bright Blue Rainments. Where is that little do-gooder friend
of yours, Rodent Tyke?
[Publius faces his enemy with firm countenance, and utters
no word. However, his response is unnecessary since Rod...
I mean, Ferret Boy comes running back in with a hammer and an
Ice pick]
Ferret Boy: I think you better take off the suit before we try
this! I couldn't find anything better to work wi... What!
Knowledgius! Here? What are you trying to do, you miserable ... ehr...
[synonyms fail him again] ... Vile Atheist God?
Knowledgius: I am here to take my revenge on you... [Advances
menacingly on our two heroes, and obscures the view of the
camera]
[What will Knowledgius do? Has he/she/it forgotten his/her/its other plan to
get back at Publius? Or can't he/she/it wait for it to take effect?
Will I find a better spelling for Knowledgius laughter?
Will the episodes ever get shorter? Tune in next time and
find out!]
======================================================================
"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about
what I accept as reality."
--- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes")
======================================================================
Arturo Magidin
magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
magidin@math.berkeley.edu
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