Red Iguana Noon: Wrath of Knowledgius

Chapter 12: WOW!

From magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
Subject: Red Iguana Noon:Wrath of Knowledgius, Chapter 12
Date: 1 May 1994 20:43:38 GMT
Message-ID: <2q149q$6v9@agate.berkeley.edu>
[In our last exciting episode, our Hero the Red Iguana of Life Oriented Religions, Poster of Sequential Numbered Posts, "No Argument Too Circular", Repeater of Truths ad Nauseam, Publius, had been captured by the Vile Atheist God Knowledgius Objectivus, with the help of his minion Tim "Even Margins" Lehnerer, who blinded the Mighty Iguana with a loud Hawaiian Shirt. How unfair!]

[Life, as many people have spotted, is of course ->terribly<- unfair.]

[Knowledgius Objectivus has surrounded our hero with a cage of Pure Blue Logical Thought, and is now trying to decide exactly how to destroy him...]

Knowledgius:  So, my dear Little Lizard... How about showing you "Plan Nine From Outer Space" until blood comes out through your ears?

[Publius refuses to respond, while he tries to come up with a plan to get out of the cage. His Faithfull Companion, Ferret Boy, is currently unavailable, talking with Angela Dyer and the WACSDAAG forces outside the Pube Fort.]

[Tim comes back in, having recovered from his sudden attack of Wacky Capitalization. He is, of course, still wearing a loud Hawaiian Shirt, so shield your eyes when reading his dialog.]

Tim:  So, Knowledgius. I helped you
capture your Arch-Enemy. May I
go do some wanton destruction?

Knowledgius:  Look, you little human. You are my worshipper and my minion. You will not do anything unless I tell you to. Right now I do not wish any distraction from the pleasure of destroying Publius atom by atom.

[Knowledgius points a godly finger at the Red Iguana; a subatomic flash of blue appears in his left index finger, as an atom is destroyed; our Hero cringes in subatomic pain.]

Tim:  Look here! I do ->not<- believe in any
gods. Got it? I am an ->atheist<-! Do
you know what that means, you idiot? 
In article <2pgphm$16lh@inca.gate.net>, 
 Publius <publius@inca.gate.net> wrote:
>  WOW! It looks like I've got the Atheists fighting among
>  themselves.
Knowledgius and Tim:  SHUT UP!

Tim:  I think I would rather leave now.
The WACSDAAG forces out there are
bent on some destruction, so I am
going to throw in with them. Good
riddance to you, Atheist "god".

Knowledgius:  And just when I was getting to really dislike you. Fine, you may leave Us now. [It/She/He motions Tim away]

[Tim shrugs and leaves, heading for the gates of the Pube Fort]

Knowledgius:  [turns her/its/his attention once more to The Defender Of Madison] Well, where was I? Of course! Let's see... I think I should make you read all the posts explaining why atheism is not a religion. What do you think? [He smiles wickedly] 
>  It is my view, of course, that ANY KIND of Atheism
>  is a Religion!
Knowledgius:  [angrily] Of course it is! They have a God, a Living God, do they not? [He/she/it points another finger at Publius and a subatomic flash of blue appears in the Mighty Iguana's right index finger!] There. That should prevent you from typing any more of your subversive messages. [Knowledgius scratches its/her/his head] Now, what can I do? 
>                  Have fun!
Knowledgius:  Oh, what a wonderful idea! And guess who am I going to have fun with?

[Our hero says, resignedly] 
>                               PUBLIUS
>
Knowledgius:  Bingo! Don Pardo, tell him what he's won!

Voice Over:  You, Mighty Red Iguana, have won the opportunity to be forced to think until you die! All courtesy of [drum roll] Knowledgius Objectives, Atheist God!

Knowledgius:  [frowns and points a finger at the ceiling] ->Vile<- Atheist God to you! You're on fire!

Voice Over:  I think that's "You're fired".

Knowledgius:  No, it's not. [A flash of blue light issues from Knowledgius' fingers]

Voice Over:  Help! Help! I'm being consumed by Blue Flames!

[What other terrible tortures will Knowledgius come up with? Will our hero ever escape his confinements? Will we go see what Angee and Ferret Boy are doing in a future episode? What will happen next? Don't miss the next episode of Red Iguana Noon:The Wrath Of Knowledgius, whenever it might happen to be posted!] 
======================================================================
"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about
 what I accept as reality."
    --- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes")
======================================================================

Arturo Magidin
magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu
magidin@math.berkeley.edu

Knowledgius:  Hey, I like this new 'dark 'n gritty' look you're giving me. Much better than munching on ham sandwiches.

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